I just realized I just waisted literally $500+ on my work clothes and that was just 2 outfits meaning: a pair of shoes, 2 shirts, 2 slacks, a wallet, beanie and a watch. Damn I should have gotten cheaper stuff and I would be able to move out now. …I can still return them but they’re too cute for me to do that :(

oh well i can get another $500 time to save up againnn.

You know my birthday was shit. I cried so much but I’m just to the point where I’m like oh well it happened; Jennifer nothing can be changed as much as I wish I could I can’t. I wish my birthday never happened I’ve been so deppressed lately because of it but I’m trying to enjoy my birthday week with people who actually intent to make my birthday good. My birth-day this year the only thing that actually made me happy was: the mesages from my close friends, my uncle and aunt brining a cake to my work (yeah my parent didnt do that my uncle and aunt did); and also my close friend from workshe gave me my last birthday hug and picked me up as i left my house we hugged grom 11:58pm to 12am, it was awesome it felt nice and i felt good becuase i was crying and she knew what was going on and she tried to make me feel better and that did make me feel better.
My life right now fucking sucks. My parents aren’t talking to me but they’re making themselves the victim as always and saying its my fault too. whatever. i havent talked to them in too long even before my birthday but fuck it. Then my mom is accusing me of having sexual intercourses with the girl from work who picked me up, idk my mom she is so stupid, every girl my mom meets to my mom theyre gay and thinks im fucking them.

i wish it was next month already.

DEAR Parents: You guys fucked up I don’t care anymore I’m 18 I’ll do whatever the fuck I want to do now, yeah you’re right I am under your roof but not for long I just need another $500 to be able to move out. My move in date for that apartment is November 12-16. Yeah I am going to their open house yeah I am getting my credit, I’m getting another job, I’m doing everything in my power to be able to move out. I love you guys but I fucking can’t anymore I can’t. I’m to the fucking end point of it. I don’t fucking want to deal with it anymore I’m beyond tiered. I am so unhappy in this house, I hate it. 

Well anyways, this apartment the one of thing I dislike is the fact that there is no gym or pool, it saddens me but oh well. Rent is cheap with the job I have its one of the few that I can afford, I would search around more but I can’t wait anymore.

I love you Scientology; and I am so proud to be a Scientologist.

Tonight is unforgettable.

I fall and un-fall for you so fast. You make me get to the point where I don’t even want you anymore and it makes me want you even more. All those thing that I shouldn’t like about you; I love.

You shouldn’t let others words and actions persuade yours. Everyone’s their own self, if that’s what they love then that’s what they love, you don’t have to feel the same way. Remember that what’s real to you is real to you.

You know what you want Jennifer and you shouldn’t let others people dreams and options get in the way of it. Do what you want, your what will matter in the end.

College first Jennifer.

I wish things were easy and out in the open for me to do but thats life. You make a decision taking that risk hopping its for the good. Here I am thinking about all this am I making the right decision? Is this really what I want for myself? Do I really want this?

I answered but I keep going back to the begining; am I really making the right decision.

I wish I knew what to expect. I wish I could just find what I want. I wish I could just settle for what I have. But theres this in me. I can’t just avoid this and nor can I just make the decison and not feel so good about it. I have to be assertive with what I want.

The dilemma: I love scientology and I want to be there but I also want to go to college and get a job because I don’t want to still be 18 and keep on getting spoiled by my parents. I wan’t to have a part in paying for my college. Actually I want to do it all on my own, is it possible? YES. Anything in this life is possible if your determined to it. You know who taught me that? Scientology. I fucking love it but it makes me so unhappy too and it wasn’t until today that I finally talked to one of my peers there; I let it out. They understood and now I’m backing out on wanting to leave scientology. I wasn’t planing on leaving forever, I was just planing on leaving till I finish college and do my buisness. But this is all so hard. I can’t leave what I love. But I also want to go to college so my plan is to handle all three of these things: college, job and Scientology. I mean there must be a reason to why I can’t just leave right? Theres something holding me back, and its that passion that I have for it and I don’t think anyone would understand until they’re in my shoes. Dude scientology is fucking insane its so awesome like serioulsy I wish everyone would just use scientology in life.

College, job, Scientology. Full time student. Part time job and part time staff member of scientology.

Scientology I love you too much to just let you go like that, I’ll try my best but thats it, I put it out there that college goes first and they understand and once it gets too much for me to handle I won’t come back till I finish the things I have to do first.